This year, it is just my husband, myself and the cat.
And the ashes of our dead son. Can’t forget about those.
I feel the best line to sum up this year is: “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Mostly the worst”. Because it was. 2010 held so much fear, grief, sadness and disappointment. I cried more often than I can remember. I often wonder if you gathered together all the tears we cried this year, could you carry them around in a cup? In a bowl? How many were there? Could they water a plant? Could they make up cloud?
But, as this year draws to a close, I don’t want to focus on the worst moments. I spent much of the year, and many of these postings doing that. No, for my last post of the year, I want to focus on the good, shining moments of 2010...because they define the year as much as the worst ones do.
I saw my baby kick, squirm and suck his thumb on the ultrasound.
I watched my husband get excited about, and fall in love with that little being.
I named that child the boy’s name we had been dreaming about and planning on for years.
I felt my baby kick.
I fought hard to keep him alive (mostly by lying around and doing nothing).
I birthed him. It hurt, but I survived and I would do it again.
I loved him.
It did not matter that he was about to die. He was mine. Ours.
He was perfect.
2010 contained my Aidan. And 2011 will not.
In 2010 I experienced love for my child and it was as big and as strong, and as overwhelming, and as profound as I ever thought it would be. And I loved that about this year. The tears I cried, every single one, was only because I love him, and miss him and wish that Aidan would exist in 2011, and 2012, and 2013...and on and on. I do not want to leave him behind in 2010.
That is the sad part. As much as I am hoping I get to parent a living child this year, watch him or her grow, and live and breathe and be...
I wish I could take Aidan with me into the new year too.
Instead, no matter where I go, or what I do, no matter what the coming year brings...
I carry his heart. I carry it in my heart.
I love you my boy. I miss you.
This year belongs to you.Is any part of you sad to leave behind 2010? What are your hopes for 2011?