It's all about to change again. I start school on Tuesday. I'll be a full time student, a part time nurse, a full time mom and when I get the chance, a wife, cook and housekeeper. I'm exhausted and stressed just thinking about it. People keep asking me if I'm 'excited' to start school. I guess I could just say yes, but since I'm generally honest to fault, I have to say "I'm excited about being done!"
It still burns. The desire to have just one more. The desire to have two living children, to complete our family, is intense but I'm coming to terms with the fact that it isn't going to happen. It feels as though the time has passed for us to even consider it. I'll be in school for at least 2 years. I have a child to look after. Money is an issue with me only working part time. I cannot imagine the added stress of a pregnancy on top of that. Happiness, but also the intense fear that would accompany two pink lines. We've tried (or rather not prevented) for over two years. If it was going to happen...it would have. I don't know what to blame it on. My crappy uterus? Eggs? Hormones? Brian? Who the hell knows at this point. The miraculous stories of couples who have been infertile for so long, suddenly conceiving without any intervention at all, linger at the back of my mind...but then I remember I already used up my pregnancy miracle with Kaia. One cannot have all the riches in the world. I will take mine and be grateful.
The sadness over Aidan is still there of course. It will never go away, and at this point, I would miss the missing of him. I also cannot deny that I appreciate that his death cracked open something inside of me. A well of strength I didn't know I had. An acceptance of things I cannot change. An ability to abide with other's sadness. I don't know if others have noticed or appreciate this change in me, but maybe that's also part of it. I care less what other people think. I worry less over how I parent my living child. At the end of the day, if she's happy and healthy, then I've done my job, even if she didn't eat all her vegetables or had three meltdowns before lunch. I am better able to accept defeat or mistakes in myself. I cannot win them all. I will miss him forever, but sadness is a part of life and I am not so special to think myself immune. I have a sense of peace about his death, but I can also acknowledge that that peace will ebb and flow. I may feel his loss, or the jealousy or the unfairness more strongly at times than at others, but I know now I will regain my footing and be able to continue on. I have lost from his death, but also gained. It do not see this knowledge as a consolation prize, but rather my life taking a different path. I would have learned different, but no less important things, if he had lived.
I miss him, but the missing is now part of the love and I can no longer separate the two.
Where are you?